If you have taken the time to read my previous posts and the following, I thank you. I thank you so much. Please bare with me while I write. I am still grieving and healing. Some days are harder than others. Some days I have a clear head to write and someone days writing is like a punch in the face. Thank you for your support.
To everyone in my life I am the strongest person they have ever met. To me I am the weakest person I know.
The stages of grief are real. I had been in shock since the appointment on September 21st. After I scheduled my D&C procedure I went straight into denial. I think that people go through stages differently. For me the denial stage was believing I was fine and that this wasn’t a big deal. That lasted about 24 hours.
On Wednesday night I found myself in the bath tub sobbing. My husband trying to console me. Then came anger is hit me like a brick wall. I lashed out on my husband. I blamed him for all of this. In my stage of anger I had to make this someone’s fault and he was the closest person to me. I told him how much I resented him. I even told him to leave. I didn’t mean any of that but the demons inside of me poured out of my soul and unleashed themselves in a fit of rage on the person I love most. Words can’t describe how terrible I feel for the things I said to him. We were a team and we were supposed to go through this together. He was hurting too. But I was so broken that I finally had to let me weakness show. I can’t always be strong for everyone. I just wish I knew how to express that to him differently. I wish my doctors didn’t leave me hanging. Sometimes I wish the admitted me into the psych ward because I felt like a lunatic. No one teaches you how to deal with things like this. I wanted to blame everyone I could even though I knew deep down it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I didn’t care. My anger consumed my being.
No one talks about miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or medical termination. You know how when you were little and you read Harry Potter and it became a game between you and your friends to never talk about Voldemort? Yeah that’s what talking about losing a baby is like. Even between medical professionals. I think that’s what fed my anger so much. I spent my whole life believing that you don’t talk about losing a baby. Hell, if you look on my fathers birth certificate my grandmother had a pregnancy before him that she lost. To this day she will still look me dead in the eye and tell me she has never lost a baby. You just don’t talk about it. Which is wrong. How do you cope. When a loved one dies you grieve together and you talk about your feelings, why not a fetus? If I could have talked about it I probably could have saved my husband from the world of hurt I dumped on him. It’s not a dirty thing. It needs to be talked about, especially with those you love.
My husband was the most supportive person through all of this and that’s probably why I didn’t think twice before lashing out, because he understand. The reality is that I craved the love and attention from my family and friends, other than their offers of thoughts and prayers. I also could have done with out the hints of disapproval for OUR decision. It’s so hard not to let other people and circumstances fuel your grief. If I have anything to offer to someone going through it’s to talk about it. Talk to anyone, make your voice heard, find a therapist, tell a stranger, write on a forum. Try to control your stages of grief and don’t let it consume you. Don’t hurt the ones that are trying to support you, I thank god every day that my husband is a saint and stayed by me while I was rotten to him, not everyone can do that. My point is you’re not alone. You can blame people, you can blame you’re self, but it doesn’t help you. It just makes it worse. We as women, even men, need to make this talked about. Husbands, boyfriends, whatever it may be go through this too and it’s important to let them have feelings too.